Sunday's Testament

I won't even lie to you — the weight was extremely heavy. It stopped me from doing anything else. Everything slowed down including myself, and all the signals began to sound off, alarming every part of me to focus in on the feeling.

This was the most productive week I've had from beginning to end. Working with AI I saw our best days, working from the moment I woke up all the way down till it was time to rest. Give me some time to play with something and I'll figure out the fundamentals; once I understand the fundamentals, that's when we lock in and turn up.

And then the heaviness came anyway.

What surprised me is that this time, not one part of me was in contradiction to another. As those alarms sounded, it was as if each part had been prepared so masterfully that it felt like a fire drill back in high school. All parts agreed: stop functioning, shut it down, whatever it is that's being done. Make sure everything hazardous is accounted for. Follow the protocols. Meet at the emergency location and report in.

Instead of thinking about why I can't stop, or why I should keep working — instead of finding a way to justify my pride in a productive week — I stopped. I became aware of the heavy feeling and moved away from my desk. Found a place to feel comfort, sat down, and acknowledged it completely.

I was aware of what triggered the feeling.
I was aware of the reason that triggered me.
Then I accepted that the heavy feeling made me not want to work at the moment.

And so I didn't.

I went to check on my friends in the group chat. Visited another friend close by to see what's going on in their life. Are you okay? I went and asked my daughter. She asked me to stay in her room, and I gladly did. I watched her perform her circus act. I even challenged her to remove the soft landing — the thick blanket — and face the solid ground. She accepted, and performed admirably. Watch out, she is a performer.

The show lasted almost two hours. Maybe two and a half. I wasn't keeping track; it could have been three. Either way it was the greatest performance I've seen. I'd recommend it 10/10. I LOVE YOU BOO.

When it ended, my fantasy football draft was a few hours out, so I went outside to breathe. Took a ride to the local market because I wanted to be in the presence of other people. Locked eyes with strangers and greeted them. I'm not sure why. It's what I felt like doing.

Seeing the store owner and having a chat with him was the highlight. He's not just the owner or the clerk — he's someone who has watched me develop for as long as I've been a teenager, the same way I've watched his store withstand the hardest of times. Cotton candy, Hubba Bubba, Pocky Sticks, Kinder, and Lay's Salt & Vinegar. Then home, just in time for the draft.

It was refreshing being in that group chat with friends I grew up with. I was absent for some years, and they're still my brothers, open arms. Our kids yelling in the background while we shout at our phones like they don't work. More mature now, but the traces of who we were are still there.

Those out-of-sync moments were heavy enough to stop everything I was doing. But this time, though heavy, it didn't feel like I was carrying any weight. Every part of me kept functioning, as if we were on the outside looking in.

I let that heavy feeling do what it wanted to do while I chose to give my attention to something more delightful.